Are you a woman who constantly has the inner voice telling you that you’re worthless, flawed, that everything goes wrong and nothing works out?

Does your inner self talk tell you that you’ll never get over this? That you’ll never be strong enough or good enough?

Worry, criticism, blame and resentment can all be labelled under the banner of negative self talk, which is the internal dialogue that focuses on either the worry that surrounds what could go wrong in the future or the self-directed criticism on what is perceived to have gone wrong in the past.

Common reasons for negative self talk include

  1. Mind health habits. A bit like our food choices at the supermarket, there are habits that we develop through our life. For some women it’s listening to the negative voice of criticism blame, resentment or worry without pausing to consider choosing a different dialogue.
  2. We are our own harshest critics and we expect so much of ourselves. We collect and note down our faults, our guilts and shames and keep score. Then we criticise ourselves about our own self talk. We would never do this to a friend, yet somehow we do it to ourselves.

The first point to understand is that the voices of worry, blame, resentment or criticism cannot be excluded from our minds. Every voice serves a purpose. The voice of worry helps us consider our safety when when we are crossing the road! The voice of criticism helps us learn and grow when we have made mistakes.

However these are not the only voices within us.

We also have the voice of courage, kindness, love, acceptance, encouragement. However it is common for these voices to be drowned out, unheard and unacknowledged.

Steps for managing self talk includes:

  1. Acknowledge the story that you’re telling yourself that includes resentment, criticism, blame or worry. Thank yourself for what this voice has to share. Then ask yourself, what would the voice of kindness have to say? What would the voice of courage, acceptance, love, encouragement also have to share with me?
  2. Learn to be a friend to yourself. Ask yourself if this were a friend, what would I say or do? What action would I take? What supportive words would I say or what changes what I make?
  3. Be mindful of your expectations. Life is filled with complimentary opposites. Challenge and support. Joy and sadness. Ease and hardship. Love and loss. When we have the deluded expectation that life should be one-sided, filled only with positivity and joy we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and subsequent criticism. The expectation that life should be one-sided lacks authenticity and then fills us with resentment and blame.
  4. Be mindful of your perceptions. When negative self talk raises its voice, it can be a result of us only looking at the downsides or all of the problems that surround us. If you feel surrounded by challenges ask, where is my support? If you feel surrounded by loss ask, what am I gaining? If you’re surrounded by downsides ask what are the potential upsides? If you are visualising the worst case scenario, ask yourself what’s also the best case scenario? Life always has both sides and when we only see one side we are blind to the positivity that might surround us. This only quietens in the voice of kindness and love within us. Balancing your perceptions and seeing all sides takes effort and time. Seeing all sides steers us toward an authentic pathway that allows growth and allows the voices of confidence, courage wisdom and love to step forward.
  5. Keep score on yourself. We often keep score of all of the wrong things we perceive we have done. How about also keeping score of all the rights? Record your successes, your accomplishments, your achievements, what’s worked before. This creates balance in the brain and allows the voice of confidence to step forward.

Sorry ladies. You can’t get rid of your negative self talk. It serves a purpose. It serves to protect us, to steer us and to help us learn.

But you can choose what voices to you habitually listen to.

Asking yourself good questions-

  • What would the voice of courage, love and kindness have to say?
  • Would I say this to a friend?
  • What successes have I had and what’s worked for me in the past?
  • Am I really seeing all sides?
  • Are my expectations and perceptions really balanced here?

These simple questions can help more positive, supportive or encouraging voices to step forward within you.

Like to learn more about developing resilience through life challenges? Niky offer’s both online programs for women as well as her four day Rise UP retreat.

  • Find out more about her retreats here
  • Learn more about her online program with this free resource to help women transform grief to resilience here
  • Listen in to the Synergy Women podcast here